Rising from the Ashes of a Destructive Partnership

Embarking on a journey through the shadows of a 28-year love affair, I reveal the arduous battle and subsequent liberation from a partner who wore many masks, from enchanting to perilous. If you've ever wondered how the scars of a toxic relationship can lead to profound self-awareness and a vigilant eye for red flags, this episode is a beacon of hope and enlightenment. 

Together, we'll navigate the treacherous waters of leaving a harmful bond and the life-changing clarity that therapy, along with an understanding of codependency and narcissism, can bring. This chapter of my life is a cautionary tale and a manual for reclaiming your sense of self before stepping back into romance.

With hard-earned wisdom, I dissect the intricate dance of past loves, distilling vital lessons about engaging in healthy, respectful, and fulfilling relationships. It's a candid discussion about the significance of self-worth, the subtle yet crucial signs of imbalance, and the art of filtering through the noise of fleeting attractions to find genuine connections. 

We examine the power of emotional reciprocity and the importance of aligning with a partner who complements and elevates your existence. By sharing my journey and the transformative insights I've gained, I invite you to join me in forging a path toward a future where love isn't just present but passionately thriving.

To learn more about how you can work with Katanya, go to www.katanyanova.com.

Chapters

• 0:00 Learning From a Toxic Relationship
• 7:42 Lessons Learned From Past Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 1:39

I experienced a hundred different types of man with one person while I was in a 28-year long relationship. I have since left that relationship. It's been over three and a half years and I've intentionally stayed single because of all the things that I learned with the hundred plus different versions of this man while I was in this relationship. I was on a coaching call this morning with a client and we briefly touched on dating and personal relationships and ask me or actually it's more of a statement of you know, even though you weren't in the dating scene for that long, it's so fascinating how you and I'm paraphrasing at this point fascinating how you learn so quickly and know what not to tolerate from from man while dating, and I'm going to share with you what I shared with her, and this is the value that I do bring as far as experience is concerned in the area of emotional intelligence, relationship, success and communications. When you're with someone that long, you get to experience all facets of the individual and their personalities, and I'm sure you know my former significant other has also seen many sides of myself that I will tell you. There are certain sides of me that I never want to see again, ever, and he brought that side of me and partly this is the reason why I exited right. But besides the point, when I first met this person super charming, such a lover, such a romantic it's on the high side. On the low side, complete love bomber. Someone who is decisive, knows what they want, ambitious, will go after what he wants. On the flip side, manipulative, domineering, controlling. On one side, gentle and kind and sweet and thoughtful, and on the low side, paranoid, passive, aggressive, excessively jealous. A stalker, unstable, alcoholic, childlike, funny, a jokester, outgoing, silent, reserved, introvert. The golden child. On this side, violent, aggressive, coercive, abusive, vengeful, dark, vindictive. I can mention maybe another hundred different attributes and different personalities and a different type of man that I experience in different years and seasons of the relationship. This person was unpredictable and volatile. One thing I learned is what I no longer will tolerate, based on my past experience in this relationship. It's taught me all of the negative behaviors to watch out for, because I watched out for them in this relationship and really became unhealthy and Actually got really sick at one period. I didn't know why I was always sick and the doctor didn't know the reason for me being so sick. All of the trauma that somebody holds on to and Trying to keep the peace and maintain, you know, relationship and harmony within a family unit. Of course I participated. Of course, there's also different aspects of myself that showed up in response to this individual. I know what they are. I know I don't want those sides of me to come up over time.

Speaker 1: 5:16

You start to react to the abuse and the last ten years being in this relationship was really a pressure cooker type of an experience and, to be honest with you, I really should have walked back in 2012, but I didn't. I stayed because I wasn't ready yet, and this is where a lot of people you know we'll never understand why a person stays in a relationship, even knowing that that relationship is not good for them, because there's a psychological and physiological type of a bond and it's not easy to untangle. You are entangled and enmeshed in these types of Relationships. So then, even though I knew I should have walked, I wasn't ready. In the last three years of that relationship, before I left, I got a new therapist and this therapist turned me to resources around codependent, narcissistic, toxic type dynamics and relationship and Also referred me to a trauma specialist to help me process and cope in order for me to safely get out of this dynamic because it's it's crazy.

Speaker 1: 6:20

There are a lot of women who get murdered in these types of relationship and, yes, I did stay a little bit longer just to make sure that I Can exit safely and I'm happy that I did get the opportunity to exit safely now, without all being said right, not Ever being single as an adult, and by that time I was like 42 years old and my friends were like, yeah, you should go dating, see what's out there. I'm like sure, why not? Like I didn't know what I didn't know and I made a lot of mistakes. But, like I said, I found out really fast, really quick, that I needed to work on myself first, get solid in myself, and Started to see a lot of patterns with the man who I met, a lot of the different aspects that I experienced, right, and this former relationship, and also the information that I read regarding, you know, dangerous type people. I started to see them and the people that I met during this short period when I dated. I know what it sounds like, I know what it looks like, I know how it quacks. If it quacks like a duck, it's a duck. You better go the other way. So this is the reason why I can easily make a decision for myself and say, no, that's not for me.

Speaker 1: 7:42

Learning from this relationship, I now know the type of relationship I will need for me to thrive and be happy, be safe, be protected and be in a space where love can thrive. And I certainly know the types of behaviors and mentality and maturity level that I am not wanting to attract, and that's really easy for me to detect as well. Now I'm still single, but I am meeting people to see one. Am I ready and applying everything that I know and have learned over the last what two years, the half years that I've regrouped and got myself at a solid, grounded state and then applying myself in real time, putting myself out there, but with different lenses? See, a lot of people get into the dating scene looking for love, looking to fall in love, looking to be picked. You got to have a certain set of filters and knowing exactly how to navigate through the different types of people with different types of behaviors and personalities in order for you to match with exactly just the right person.

Speaker 1: 9:00

And dating is not about falling in love right at the very beginning. It is about is this the right person for me. Is this person healthy? Do I like this person and does this person like me? And is there reciprocation in time, energy and effort? Does this person have the same maturity level as I do? Is this person an alignment to the things that are important to me and am I in alignment to the things that are important to this person?

Speaker 1: 9:29

But see, people are addicted to falling in love. It's a complete delusion. Now, the reason why I say that this is how people fall into the trap of getting into unhealthy relationships. You got to get past all of those things so you don't experience someone later on down the road who's going to mistreat you, who's not going to be right for you, who's not going to be available and loving and compassionate towards you. My former relationship really taught me my worth, my value, what I want, while I will never, ever, ever tolerate, ever again. And this is how I was able to experience a hundred different types of person with one man.